As as an artist you want to create work that is relevant and truthful to yourself. To be authentic is to be at peace with your imperfections.
In the months of August and September, I became unfocused and unmotivated, zeroing in on my own self-doubt and lack of confidence. I became aware that I was suffering from a massive creative block, fueled also by negative family dynamics, and the looming doom of my upcoming birthday. It felt like I was the only person on the planet that was going through "life's, the joke is on you plan."
I read a lot during those two months of reckoning. One book I found relevant, "The Book of Moods", by Lauren Martin addressing the issues of accepting your moods and knowing that they are relevant but do not have to rule your life. Also, along with Deepak Chopra's, "Total Meditation", I gathered some well needed advice and information that kept my head above the waters of discontent.
Moving on with this knowledge, I realized I craved learning. This year, I enrolled in an Art MBA Program, and in October I signed up for Nancy Hillis The Studio Journey™ Masterclass painting courses for professional artists and aspiring artists. This was a game changer for me because ongoing education, taught by successful artists is inspirational and practical for my art. Learning the tools and methods for a business mindset in the art world, and then letting go of the pressure of perfection and my own fears in my painting studio, was replaced by acceptance and knowledge. Slowly, getting back to the studio to paint and create my own work, and moving past the world of predictability and criticism.
Into each life some rain must fall, just so long as it is under my feet and not around my throat.
We never want to stop learning, however the balance between knowledge and how we interact with others is another experience unto itself. People give you lessons in life. Practicing self-love and acceptance is difficult. Of late, I've had the sad reality of learning what a strained and somewhat impossible relationship is like with a family member. It has made me feel hurt, vulnerable and singled out by this individual, as he continues to ice me out during family zoom gatherings, and only addresses my husband, John. "It's just plain fucking rude." This past week and after 3 years of nothing by this family member, and with the support and help from John and my sister-in-law Amy, I made the leap of faith by composing a heartfelt apology letter to him, asking for nothing in return, but perhaps for him to know that we should put aside our differences and try to rebuild a better relationship, and not be at odds with each other at our parents grave side.
Create. Love. Learn. Repeat.